I have been given the opportunity to be a part of a group participating in what has been named, “The 90 Days Retreat.” It is an online group designed to cover several modules in the areas of self-growth. The first module being all about self-worth. Cue the heavy hitter right off the bat. Self-worth has been something I have struggled with most of my life, like many others out there. I find myself dealing with this idea of self-worth on a regular basis, from the way that I talk to myself and the language I use when I make a mistake let’s say, to the way that I question whether or not I should take a risk on myself and try something new, even as far as to questioning if I truly deserve happiness. This idea of self-worth ties into some similar feelings about shame that many of us in recovery grapple with throughout our journey.
For me shame and self-worth are some things I continually struggle with after over seven years of continued abstinence. I can easily bring myself back to a place where I feel less than and as though I do not deserve the good things I currently have in my life, despite having worked so hard for them. The difference between my days of using and my recovery is that I have many more tools to be able to handle these bouts, so much so that I can even begin to heal from many of these deep seeded wounds, many that go back to childhood.
In my opinion, this is a little like the chicken and the egg question…which came first? Was my self-worth terribly low to begin with and I dealt with it through using and numbing away reality? Or did my self-worth climb down to the depths it is at due to my using and numbing? The answer for me is, well, both. Just to clear that up for everyone. What I am learning is that this is the rollercoaster of life, being wounded, finding a way to cope with it (most of the time in an extremely unhealthy ways), pretending everything is ok until it isn’t and starting the loop over again. Guess what? I want off of this ride! Let the healing begin.
Through the work I am doing, I have been able to begin to ask myself some very difficult questions and to find new ways to reframe old patterns of thought in order to dig through a lot of pain and hurt and dust off my hidden worth and bring it forward into the light. I have been able to look at my shame and begin to lay it to rest. To understand it and accept it for what it is, and to move forward with less of it. Not to ignore it or to bury it, but to accept it for what it is.
This journey that we are on is not a straight path from drinking and using to a healed, happy sobriety. There are a lot of things that need to be addressed, and many of them need time and strength to be brought to the forefront. Some of these scars pre-date any substance abuse and some may have contributed to it. Either way, recovery provides us with opportunities to really dig in and address our wounds and to heal in a long-lasting way, to heal with a profound depth.
So here I am. I am learning the idea of reframing my thoughts around my self-worth and learning that I no longer have to carry shame around with me everywhere I go. Knowing that I am enough, just the way that I am on my good days and especially on my bad ones. Worthiness carries no pre-requisites. You do not need to do anything to earn it and it cannot be taken away. It is inherent. If I can learn this, so can you!