Yesterday I flew with my daughter to Minneapolis for detox and treatment - an event I could only imagine in a faraway fantasy. She called unexpectedly, after not talking to me for six months, and asked for help with the most desperate of states of heart/mind… begging to either die or get sober.
I grew up in an alcoholic family. As such I wasn’t imbued with a healthy sense of self. I struggled with issues of low self-esteem. I searched desperately for parental validation and proof that I was loved and worthy. I was a child dealing with a very adult issue. I had two alcoholic parents, and I didn’t have the coping techniques to deal with their alcoholism.
On March 11, 2023, The New York Times ran a commentary by Maia Szalavitz titled “People Have a Right to Nonreligious Rehab” questioning the connection between religion/spirituality and recovery, and we felt it was important to present The Retreat’s view on the issues raised in this article.
When I first got sober, I mean the very day I stopped drinking and getting high, I wondered to myself and out loud to anyone who was unfortunate enough to hear me speak, “what am I going to do with myself now?? This is going to be SO BORING!”
At a conference on recovery not long ago in Chicago, I listened to the speaker talk about making amends. The crux of her point was that the amend had to be equal to or greater than the offense. For example, you can’t falsely print on the front page of a newspaper that someone is a cheat and a liar and then print the retraction on page 17. No, if you’re going to set the scales of restorative justice evenly, the retraction has to go on page one.
When I first came into the Al-Anon program, I had spent so much time and energy into isolating, stuffing my feelings and trying to fix and control people, places and things, that I had no idea who I was, what I liked or disliked or even what I what felt. When they told me that I needed to keep the focus on myself and not the alcoholic, I didn’t know what that meant. I wasn’t capable of an intimate relationship with anyone else because I didn’t have an intimate relationship with myself.
The Loot, The Lift and The Lover
During my four decades of recovery, I’ve worked with hundreds of young men who are enthusiastic and excited about recovery. For them, everything is new and life has taken on a different meaning. They are going to meetings regularly; they are working with their sponsors and the wreckage from their past is slowly getting repaired. But alas, they seem to hit three common roadblocks which sends them spiraling back down the path whence they came. I refer to these three roadblocks as: The Loot, The Lift and The Lover.
We have the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions on which volumes of material have been written. Yet, a common theme running through the steps and traditions is this idea of principles. But what are these principles and from where do they come?
An excerpt from The Cathedral Crusader published February 28, 1979.
Author’s Note: This article was published nine-months after I got clean and sober. My high school newspaper asked me to write a story about going through treatment. I was glad to do so. The published story set off alarm bells with the school administrators and it led to changes in school policy toward drug and alcohol use.
