In early sobriety, it seemed like I didn’t know how I was going to feel in the next five minutes. My mood would swing from happy and grateful, to angry and hopeless, in what seemed like an instant. As I continued through the Retreat’s Outpatient program, I learned more about ways to ride out these huge waves of emotion. As I connected with other people in the program, I was able to talk about my frustrations with feeling my emotions were out of control and learn the different ways they had found balance.
One night, we had a facilitator for The Retreat’s Phase II Evening Program (our version of outpatient), and he talked about his experience with meditation. I was in the perfect headspace- desperate to feel different- so I was willing to try anything. A couple days after that session I met with the meditation teacher and learned TM (Transcendental Meditation). The first thing I noticed from meditation practice was my reactivity had loosened its hold on me. I didn’t feel wound up all the time, or the need to respond to everything happening around me. I was learning to surf the waves of emotion without becoming involved in them.
This is called a practice for a reason- it works best when I do it regularly. As I evened out emotionally, I realized that the job I was working at the time was not conducive to slowing down in the ways my recovery needed. I called the Retreat, and luckily, I was able to get work in the kitchen, and then moved into housekeeping, and now am helping out on the development team. All the while I’m trying to “Stay on my board in the no-wake zone”. – This phrase is repeated to me almost daily by my friend and co-worker David, who I consider my work-sponsor. I’m so grateful I get to work in a place where the language of recovery, the solution, is peppered into general conversation.
Many times, in the past three years, there have been some big waves- big life events- that have shaken me on my board. Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about this in his book “Wherever you go There you are”
“Stress is part of life, part of being human, intrinsic to the human condition itself. But that does not mean we have to be victims in the face of large forces in our lives. We can learn to work with them, understand them, find meaning in them, make critical choices, and use their energies to grow in strength, wisdom and compassion. A willingness to embrace and work with what is lies at the core of all meditation practice”
I would argue that the willingness to embrace what is, is at the core of working the 12 Steps as well. With acceptance of the current situation (instead of the anger, frustration, and self-pity I can tend towards) I have a clear view of things and am able to ride out the waves knowing that “this too shall pass”. You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
