Yesterday I flew with my daughter to Minneapolis for detox and treatment - an event I could only imagine in a faraway fantasy. She called unexpectedly, after not talking to me for six months, and asked for help with the most desperate of states of heart/mind… begging to either die or get sober.
And by a sheer stroke of luck I was home.
And in another wild card, I had a session with my therapist Nancy on my calendar for that evening, which only happens once a month - at best. Nancy is a recovering alcoholic herself, so when my daughter agreed to “meet” her by phone, only Nancy could deliver the comforting words that mattered. And the next thing you know, my beautiful daughter is carving her own destiny and walking toward a new life.
So here we are. One foot into a miracle, the other foot in a quicksand hellscape called addiction that is dying to suck her back in. In the blink of an eye, this could all go away. And yet, it doesn’t. She continues forward.
Meanwhile, in a separate story line, I’ve had a nagging loop playing in the background for months about finding my purpose… Wondering what is… or do I even have one.. And who has time for purpose, anyway? Do I find it… or am I in the middle of it? I wonder if purpose is walking by someone and accidentally catching the fly ball that almost hits them, or writing that book that puts you on Oprah and changes people’s lives.
Some Wise Ass is going to say “both” and I’ll probably throw up. But maybe it is.
And my struggle is feeling like these curveballs have gotten in the way of my path-finding process. I’m on a quest for a meaningful contribution and feeling like I have to hunker down and hatch a golden purpose. Or maybe I find it like a mystical treasure, and all these other things that come at me are distractions that keep me from finding my gift to the world.
Then I look back over my shoulder and see how these “distractions” were something else… they were different doorways to a different place… something bigger. It wasn’t “in my way” it was the way, a different way. A different door to a bigger life. I was probably groaning about the inconvenience and the next thing you know, I somehow grabbed the God rope and swung from a hundred feet up and some kind of crazy miracle happened.
It was almost fun.
I always think a purpose is a thing. But maybe it’s a moving target - a slippery live wire that comes and goes. It shows up in different people’s faces and gestures and someone on the side of a road with a flat tire that has the perfect piece of wisdom that saves my life around the next bend. It might be moments that weave us together for the next best thing in a soul walk - mine or yours. Maybe it’s the dumb luck of being in the right place at the right time. Maybe me sitting here stumbling for words, trying to get my arms around this elusive longing for meaning is a little drop of purpose mixed in with petting my dog. Maybe if I find the right words I’ll feel the beautiful click of meaning just for a moment. This is my version of being Catwoman jumping on the narrow ledge and wielding the perfect kick to the bad guys just in the nick of time, only I’m just searching for synonyms. Maybe I’m Catwoman in a bathrobe with bad hair and purpose isn’t glamorous at all, but if I stay connected to this lively thing, then dots will connect somewhere else and I can belong in the network of human evolution.
And my ego, my poor little ego. It desperately wants a title, or a nametag, or some kind of big splash of something we can call purpose. But really I’m just a low-level employee who accidentally stumbles into grace once in a while and gets to carry a suitcase or thumb through a dictionary. And for me, on this day, that is enough.
Because Whatever this is, an entire decade of my life came together when I had the incredible honor of getting on a plane with my brave daughter going to treatment. I was able to walk by her side and witness her arriving with her dignity - making the choices herself. Yes, I have flight arranging skills and this was my version of swinging from ropes and scaling tall buildings, except it was just a flight schedule. My job was to help us catch a plane, find a parking spot, and carry a suitcase and in another dimension of time and space, I got to witness my beautiful daughter step through a portal into a new life designed by her soul and the powers that be. Something magical happened - one schlepp at a time.
And if this is purpose, I’ll sign up all day long. I can pet my ego with the same affection I pet my dog and the three of us can savor this other-worldly event I could never have imagined. Whatever it is, it’s all I need.
Connie Lawrence, copyright 2023.
