As we enter into yet another new year, it’s hard not to look back at what has taken place over 2018. But for me, it’s even harder not to look forward with plans and questions of uncertainty for the year to come. I try to live one day at a time as best I can, but reflecting on a new calendar has me “what if”-ing in wonder and veering off the track of living for today. Some of the wonder is exciting. But honestly, some of the wonder is scary. The un-played days of 2019 haven’t even started yet and my mind wants to prepare for them. Truth be told, I tend to lean into fear. Maybe rightly so, I have a past riddled with pain and hurt. Everyone does. It’s not fun. And my ego wants to avoid painful stuff and control its very existence. The problem is…I don’t get to!! But hey, check this out…I also have a past riddled with joy and triumph! Life comes with both! And isn’t this really just a question of practicing the choice to focus on the joy over the pain anyways? Isn’t it just a practice in letting go and acceptance? A practice of choosing faith over fear? I think so! Its 3rd step genius!! “Gods will not mine” is the brilliance of realizing we get to choose faith over fear. I have that choice each and every day in each and every situation.
Back up a just a second though! Is fear really all bad? I think fear is also a God given emotion. My perspective is to embrace that fear and consider it God’s red flag to pay attention. Without fear I don’t get to be in a moment to reflect on what my fear is and to then choose to pick faith. Fear is a lonesome and uncomfortable place to be. It’s a physical unease and chaos in my spirit. That being said it’s also a powerful gift if it is acknowledged and re-directed. It’s calling me to pay attention because I am running amuck with things I have no business trying to control. So what can I do with that conflict in my soul? I can chose to let it go to my Higher Power. Give it up as we say in recovery!! Of course I still and always will battle with this. It seems a little lazy and irresponsible sometimes. Kind of a wussy move. Hello again ego! However, It’s NOT that at all! Letting go is actually courageous and brave and beautiful. It’s making a conscious decision to choose faith in my Higher Power, to believe in God’s unwavering love for my well-being and peace. To have faith in the outcome of Gods plan over mine. Even when life needs to have moments of fear in order to get my attention.
The fear based living is my self-will run riot and has gotten me nothing but stressed out, addicted, sad and confused. It’s never changed a dang this as far as outcomes either. When I stepped into the 12 step world of recovery, I found the better plan of choosing and embracing faith. Faith is trusting that God knows best, God will walk beside me and God knows exactly what my soul needs to be at peace in love, grace and balance. When I receive Gods plan for showering me with love, grace and balance, it is then that I live and exude love, grace and balance to those in the world around me. I want to live in that space! Therefore, reflecting on the year to come, I am deciding to embrace the uncertainty and step out in faith so I can be with love! So I can be with grace! So I can be with my Higher Power! For myself, for my family and for my little corner of the world. I will be afraid in the year to come, it’s inevitable. But I hope I will embrace that fear, that gift that gets my attention, and change my perspective to a heart of faith. Because it is in this space in the “one days at a time” that I serve Gods purpose. And God’s purpose brings hope to a world hurting. I’ll take that plan over mine any day of the year!